I don't know what it is about us pregnant women but it seems like we turn everyone into an expert, a doctor or a Class A Asshole.
I will not lie. This time around, I am absolutely miserable. I am HUGE, I can't sit for too long, I can't stand for too long, I can barely walk, I've got stretch marks, a triple chin and I just cannot shake the exhaustion. I refuse to get into the details of the crazy shit that is going on with my body. However, despite all of this, I continue on with life. I spend my day acting as if I am skipping though daisy fields, hiding the fact that I want to tear everyones damn face off. (Did I mention that my hormones are completely out of control?)
Some of the things that have been said to me have left me at a loss for words. I wouldn't say half of them to anyone, even if I was completely joking.
Wow, you are so big! No shit. This is the last thing a pregnant woman wants to hear. Especially when her maternity clothes are starting to get a little snug. I am not lying when I tell you that the Director of HR came up to my desk and said, "OMG!....ERIN!" Yes, I'm a beached whale, thanks for the reminder. And yes, there is only one in there. And yes, I know she's going to be big. And yes, I'm aware that it looks like I'm smuggling a watermelon.
You STILL haven't popped yet? Oh, yeah, this big belly is just a fake. Surprise! Come on. I am counting down the hours at this point. If YOU feel like it's taking forever, how do you think I feel?
Should you be drinking that coffee? I must have missed the MD on the end of your name. I already have a OBGYN though. Thanks anyway!
Are you going to have an episiotomy? You're going to breastfeed, right? Are you going to breastfeed? Are you going to have an epidural? You're not going to have an epidural, are you? You should stay home. You're going to go back to work? OMG, STOP IT! You're making my head explode! And why are you, a stranger, asking me questions about my vagina?
Your life is over. Clearly, you know nothing. I already have a child and my life didn't end then. It's certainly not going to end this time. I will just have a fan club with me now, wherever I go.
Oh honey, you've got some varicose veins. Just shut up and finish my pedicure.
Can you see why I want to gouge the eyes out of anyone that crosses my path? I am incredibly blessed to pregnant with a healthy baby girl. I am grateful for that, do not get me wrong.
You know what you SHOULD say to a pregnant woman? "You look great", even if she doesn't. And make sure you're handing her a cupcake while you're saying it.
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